Well…..here’s a story you’ll want to hear. So this dude has cheated on what he and everyone else says was the perfect gf. Because she loves him, she takes him back and tries to make it work. Clearly, not good enough. Because he tells her he loves her and wants to make the relationship work, YET….he manages to fuck ANOTHER chick. Smh. Why does shit like this happen to good people? I don’t deserve this. I’m better than this. I treated you like I’m sure no one else has. And yet still, it doesn’t seem to matter. Everyone else gets to have their cake and eat it too. Everyone else can have their way except me. I’m starting to hate the world with a passion……now I know why I could never shake this feeling of doom for our relationship. Cuz this is the bullshit you give me. Why me is all I can ask myself as I cry more salty tears over this relationship and you. So many song come to mind right now.
“It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.”
“The courses of true love never did run smooth.”
“Of all pains, the greatest pain, Is to love, and to love in vain.”
“Sometimes you love something so much that it hurts to leave it, but you must. Sometimes it hurts too much to hold on to that thing you love. And sometimes you let go of what you love because it hurts, but then just sometimes… you get it back and live happily ever after.”
“If we don’t feel love with our heart then how come that’s where it hurts when someone doesn’t love you back?”
“The human heart knows thing the eyes cant see,
and feels the things the mind cant understand.
but if love is just a word, then why does it
hurt so much when you find it is not there..”
Some stuff I never really got off my chest but might I just say…….I hate it. I hate how she still has your attention. I hate that you give it to her willingly. I hate that you keep telling me one thing and your actions keep saying something else. I hate that she keeps hanging on to you and you keep letting her. Theres got to be something youre STILL telling her. I hate that you just cant seem to let go of her. Or maybe I just hate that you arent moving fast enough in this process…idk. I hate that you say you dont but you do. I hate that I feel like I have no one…not even you. I hate that I feel like I have to share. I hate that everything on the surface seems better, but theres ALWAYS secrets. I hate that you do things cuz you think I dont know. I hate that you dont realize that that shouldnt matter. I hate that you cant see that WHATEVER you do in the dark….ALWAYS ALWAYS comes to light….guess it doesnt matter. I hate that right now theres stalemate…no forwards….no backwards……just right here. I hate that shes the reason(at least in my mind.) I hate how she has a hold on you and you have one on her….and neither of you will let go. I hate that you still tell her things before you tell me. I hate that you and I….will never really be….cuz there will ALWAYS be……her. Allways the three of us..never just me and you. And I hate it. I hate her. I hate me. I hate you. Theres no REAL happiness…no real joy….I hate that too. Like Neyo and Rhianna said…I hate that I love you……..but it doesnt change the fact that I still do. Lots of built up resentment. And I hate that too……..nowadays….I just hate…..
Why does it always feel like I’m giving more than Im getting? I have a big heart and maybe that’s the problem. Maybe it’s too big. Maybe I cut people too much slack. Why can’t everyone treat people they’d want to be treated? I love you. And sometimes idk if you love me the same. maybe you do love me but not the way I love you. Maybe you WANT to love me but you don’t know how. Maybe you want to love me but you want to be able to do whatever you want in addition. Maybe you don’t really understand the amount of sacrifice that ces with being in a relationship. Relationships are a step. A big deal. If you don’t understand certain things your relationship won’t work. You’ll never be ready. I’m trying so hard. Trying to give you a chance. I told you what had to happen and idk if you’re ready to deal with that. I just don’t know what we do or where we go from here but I guess we’ll just have to see. The problem=someone will be hurt in the process. It is inevitable. So what do we do? Answer=I don’t know.
Dear You,
I love you. I love you with everything I have. I’d do anything I could for you and still attempt to do the things I know I can’t do. I don’t even know where to begin. You were my peace of mind. I found comfort in you. You just seemed to make everything better. The smallest moments with you were the ones that mattered the most to me. You told me I had pretty eyes…especially when the sun was shining in them. We joked about all the future babies we’d have and how spoiled they’d be. We would just lounge around, knowing we had things to do, but neglected them because at that moment being with each other was just right. There’s too many small moments to recap them all, but I def remember every last one. So where did we go wrong?
What happened the randomness and excitement? What happened to the random moments? What happened to us? I know you love me. I have no doubt in my mind about that. But what is it that you really want from me? I’m the kind of person who gets walked all over a lot in life. The sad part is…..why do I let people do it? Because I love them. Its because I have this perception and view of the type of person that people can be and I guess I hang on to that and hope that I can contribute to that person getting there one day. But you. You are a different story.
I loved you. Never doubted you for a second. I took a risk. A really big one for a person like me. I instilled complete trust in you. I believed everything you said because it was coming from you. I never once thought that you…the one person I loved the most in this world would hurt me. We built this on always telling the truth. I’ve always told you the truth. Never hurt you. I cant really say I got the same thing back. You lied to me. Did exactly what you said you would never do. Why do I say that? Because I KNOW you did. I know exactly what you said and did. And its exactly what you told me you DIDNT say and do, and that it didn’t happen. And even after all of that…..I STILL wanted you. Still wanted to make it work. Then you said things would be different. And you lied again. I know you did. It doesn’t matter how I know, but I know all the same. And still knowing everything, I’m still giving you another chance. Knowing what I knew the first time around, and knowing that you lied to me again. I still said yes. So that makes me a fool. Someone in love with someone who cant even tell me the truth. So…yes. I do want you and this relationship. But at what cost to me? I just don’t know how I can love someone so much who cant tell me whats really going on.
Knowing these things and not telling you just eat away at me. And that’s where that sadness and crying come from. It comes from me knowing what I know, asking you about it and you STILL lie. You get upset because no one believes you. And I really and truly don’t understand why your so upset if you know you’re in the wrong. I think your more upset at the fact that you thought you were doing a good job at what you were doing and people…..including me read through the bullshit. So where does that leave us? You’re still lying…and I’m still loving you knowing that your lying to me. So now we have conditions(that you made up) under which we can stay together. And I just really wonder why you’re doing this? Why are you hurting her? Me? And you? Why? Why go through all the trouble of lying and keeping secrets when you can just do your shit out in the open and not have to worry about anything? I can guess only you know that answer. Or maybe you don’t and that’s a problem. You feel as if you haven’t done anything wrong….so your completely OK with what your doing. Completely OK with knowing that your lying to the person you claim to love and be in love with. What kind of person does that make you? I love you and am really stubborn about letting you go. What kind of person does that make me?
So where do we go from here? Questions Questions Questions. And no answers.
